why i am this

I will admit, I am slightly drunk right now.
This blog has gotten me into trouble.
Because I tend to vent about my problems on it.
And the one person who subscribed to it must have read it.
I used to have these 2 really good friends.
But things happen and friendships end. New ones start, people change, and things can never go back to the way they were. No matter how much we pretend. Or pretend to pretend.
I will not say that I am sorry for what happened, nor will I ask to be forgiven. Or blame anyone else. It's not an issue about who was right and who was wrong. Everyone is wrong. Everything is wrong.
The only thing I am sorry for is that I am the way that I am. And I shouldn't be sorry for myself.
And that I am determined to change and I will change.
There are a lot of things in my life that I still have to work on, and no one except me really knows the extent, so I don't expect anyone else to really understand what I am going through right now.
I am finally going to do something about it.
I know this probably doesn't make any sense right now, but it doesn't matter because no one reads this anyway.
But this is for myself. So that I can look back and remember that I am going to go through with this, and I'm not going to let things go right back to the way they were. I cannot let this happen anymore.
I won't let my family history get me. I won't let myself become part of the cycle.
I honestly cannot explain what the fuck I am even talking about, and it doesn't matter if anyone else knows or not. I am tired of worrying so much about other people when I need to focus myself more than ever right now.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I cannot be sorry.

summer

So the house I am staying at definitely has internet, but I can't access it since I don't know the password because the owner of the house is still in Germany or whatever. To be honest, I don't even know exactly what she looks like or where the hell she is going to sleep when she gets back to the house since I have taken over her futon. Which is the only piece of furniture in the entire house.
The house is very vertical and has many 7 small floors, not at all what I was expecting. She also has a very tiny back yard and a little piece of roof that you can go out onto. And a garage for my bike to live :)
Apparently she has 2 cats that I am going to be in charge of when she is not around, which is always.... But I don't even think that there's a little box in the house.... So all this is a mystery to me. What I do know for sure is that I have the keys and I have a room. So we'll see. But for now it's pretty boring all by myself, and I'm looking forward to starting at Printfresh and hopefully finding a part time job soon. It's slim pickins everywhere, but it can't be worse than Baltimore....
Anyway, I'm tired of sitting in Starbucks like an asshole.

can't sleep

So I can't sleep.
But it feels good to be home. Though one week is def long enough here. I'd go crazy pretty soon... like last summer. If it weren't for the back breaking 45 hour work weeks at day camp, I wouldn't have known what to do with myself last summer. Too much free time makes me nervous...
Philly's gonna be awesome. I have much less hatred for Baltimore in the summer. Which is awesome. My new house is going to be awesome even though moving into it probably won't be. I have awesome friends.
So basically, I'm a clam right now. And I love it. Hopefully nothing's gonna screw things up for me this time...

no one reads this

Finally home in New Jersey. I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I rolled up the ramp of I-83 in my bug, suddenly filled with ecstasy at the realization that I was in fact finally leaving the Hateway my entire sophomore year behind me.
I've only got a week before I plan on moving into my cousin's house in Philly, where I will stay for free and watch her cats. Sweet.
All I really have to do it find a part time job so I can survive this summer. I decided to only do 3 days a week for my internship, because 40 hours a week unpaid for 13 weeks is rough. And I won't stand for it.

SO FUCKING HAPPY IT'S ALL OVER

2 weeks 2 weeks 2 many

I'm already starting to pack up some shit. I'm taking a lot of dishes and my skillets and pots to my mom when I see her next Saturday. This coming weekend is the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival and I haven't missed one since I was 15 so I'm definitely going. Maybe pick up some sweet yarn and wool.... Don't judge me, I have awesome hobbies.
If I could get paid to knit I would be rich. There has to be a job out there like that....
This weekend's been so warm, it finally feels like April. Only 2 weeks left until classes are finally over. I don't even want to think about the amount of work I have so do in the next 2 weeks. It's actually just one class that I know will take a while to finish. I'm making a knit replica of the Station Building and it's going to be a hat. Piper said she'd wear it at my graduation. And I'm going to remember this in 2 years. I didn't really realize how fucking complicated that building was until I started to take reference photos of it and realized it has a shit ton of windows and roofs... Oh well, like anything else I usually do, I make too much work for myself. And lose too much sleep.
I have about a week and a half at home before I have to go to Philly to start working. And I have to remember to get those damn internship papers filled out or I'm boned. I'll get 3 credits from it.... But no money and that suck because I really need money for various financial ventures and am hoping to get another tattoo soon but can't afford it right now.... I'll wait until Fall and maybe I'll have enough money to go back to Read Street. Too bad they fired George, he did a pretty good job on my bird, haha. Apparently he was sad, mad and racist.... All the qualities I like in a man....
Anyway, 2 weeks until I get the fuck out of this stupid building and stupid room where I've been given the silent treatment for 3 whole weeks.
Fuck my room.

Success

After 4 agonizing minutes of the online registration not working, I was relieved to find that I had actually gotten all the classes I wanted before they filled up. Thankfully I got to register a bit earlier than a lot of other juniors, but after some. Last semester was awful; I got 1 class out of 5 that I actually wanted. That really fucked up my schedule. I ended up getting into the one class I really wanted because the teacher took pity on myself and another girl who showed up on the first day of class begging to be enrolled. Silkscreening, the love of my life.
And despite my better judgment to get the requirements for my experimental fashion concentration out of the way, I am taking an amazing ceramics class instead of a required class that has 2 parts. I'll probs drop the concentration anyway.... It only allows me to get into a couple classes that are for ef concentrators only, like garment design, which I'm taking this semester.
Hopefully this isn't a sign of bad things to come. I feel like whenever I have repeated spurts of good luck, I'm just that much more off guard when something unbelievably shitty happens. But what kind of attitude is that?
Then again, it's all I know.....

get the fuck out

Finally getting a lease together today with the landlords of Space Mountain.
Rent's under $500 and the space is gigantic.
I can't wait to get the fuck out of my apartment.
Being here makes me want to cry.